Client Madness: 5 Freelance Horror Stories

Are you checking your calendar in confusion? Turning on the radio to see if they’re playing Monster Mash? Don’t worry, you’re not crazy, and Halloween hasn’t come early. Nevertheless, we’re running a bone-chilling, goose-bump inducing article in the merry month of March.

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Why the anachronism?

Simple: Freelancers deal with horrific clients and wacky assignments year-round. It doesn’t matter if it’s the end of October or the middle of May, a normal day at the office (aka, the kitchen table) can take a turn for the terrible in the blink of an eye. The least we can do, then, is share these fearsome exploits with the world. In them you may find a less worth learning, a surprising nugget of wisdom, or, at the very least, some needed entertainment.

So turn out the lights and curl up in your favorite blanket. Here are a few freelance horror stories to scare you straight.

Joel Klettke

Trade: Freelance conversion copywriter and content marketer

One of my first copy projects ever came in through LinkedIn - complete with a smiley-face in the subject line. The message itself should've struck me as odd - asking "How quickly can you get to my office?" and "I look forward to getting to know you."

Regardless, I decided to follow up.

The guy more or less refused to chat on the phone or even review my portfolio - I sent resources, but he didn't bother to look. He just insisted I come down to his office - on the opposite side of the city - and meet with him. No details on the project - nothing.

These days, I never would've gone - but back then, I was green and eager to make new connections, so off I went. I sat in his office as he rattled on - and then SAT at his computer reading stuff I'd written in the past, giving it a quick once-over. We accomplished nothing in that meeting other than shaking hands - he gave me a sharpie pen. Then it was back home.

Later, he decided he had a project for me, so he wanted to meet - AGAIN - to talk about project specs. So I drove clear across the city - AGAIN - to hear what he wanted. It was a project all about 3D mail - he wanted me to do spec work to prove I knew what I was talking about. I told him I didn't do spec work and gave him my rate. He hummed and hawed, but agreed to it, sending me on my way again. 45 minute drive ONE WAY, 15 minute meeting.

Then, I did the project, sent it off and ... didn't hear from him.

So I emailed. And then I emailed again. I kept emailing and emailing, but I got nothing. I could see my invoice had been looked at, but not paid. I got more and more annoyed. Months went by. Six of them.

I began hearing horror stories of non-payment from other freelancers in my city, and decided enough was enough.

We were coming up on Christmas, so I decided to send him a little "3D mail" of my own. I sent a HUGE gift-wrapped package (we're talking roughly 4 feet by 2 feet) filled with packing peanuts, an invoice, a letter and some condoms (in case he wanted to screw any other freelancers).

And I filmed it. You can watch/read here.

He promptly paid my invoice, and we never connected again.

Now, that's a funny story - but I'm a little embarrassed by how I responded, and I'll never, ever do that again, even if it worked.

I've grown up a lot since then. So ... what did I learn?
To have a contract, get at least 50% payment upfront and always trust your gut. If someone feels sketchy from the beginning, THEY ARE. Don't work with them. You don't need the money.

Haley

Trade: Freelance copywriter

(Haley chose to remain anonymous, because if the wrong people read her story, it might be just too awkward to handle)

So I moved to a new city where a former student of mine (from one of the reputable ad schools) was working in the ad industry. I was called into his current agency for a freelance gig. I saw him in the hallway and we said our hellos and caught up with each other's lives. The next day when I came in, I noticed he wasn't around.

Then I found out he got laid off that morning, and I was actually brought in to cover for his clients while they replaced his role at the agency. AWKWARD.

Fast-forward to two years later and I get called into another big ad agency. Lo and behold, this is where my former student landed after losing the other gig. We said our hellos again and laughed about how I was his temporary replacement from his last job. Whew! No hard feelings and the air was cleared.

I came into the agency the next day and, once again, found out he had just gotten laid off. I have a feeling he probably refers to me as the Dark Angel of Job Death, or something like that.

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by Joshua Kraus via SitePoint